GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*