[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
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