Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
What if all the cashiers are married?