*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best