Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
HOW DARE YOU
Me too 😆
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Flock of bats
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My work here is done
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX