If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
You Might Also Like
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
your elf on the shelf was delicious
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.