My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
house sitting!
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Woke up with morning Yule Log
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that