Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”