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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Every work call, he judges.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.