My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
when someone compliments me
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
got so much cardio in today
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car