Living the best life.. 馃槉
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Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 馃槶馃槀馃槶馃槀
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
If you haven鈥檛 left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you鈥檙e not really parenting.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
that鈥檚 my husband on the left and me on the right
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I鈥檓 gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let鈥檚 do this
BOOGEYMAN: it鈥檚 not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He鈥檚 in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it鈥檚 for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.