I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what