Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
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HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”