*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
This is so me 😂😂
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?