[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m crying im so happy for them
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
who did the taste test?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Still cracks me up
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.