HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.