Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died