i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I like crazy people until they notice me