Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?