If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.