GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
True?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.