We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.