[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Breaking news:
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!