What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time