Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless