Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.