You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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My inexpensive home security system…
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.