Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
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Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
absolutely not
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
No laws when master is gone
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.