little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
#catsoftwitter
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?