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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
😆this is so true
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I only eat vegetarians.