I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?