*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”