I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I have a new favorite meme page
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.