Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.