This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.