Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog鈥檚 face, I鈥檇 say we had the same dream.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i鈥檓 doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Scream sneezers need love too.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Mondays aren鈥檛 too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts 鈥攆lamethrowers don鈥檛 hold much fuel.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…馃悤馃惥馃槄
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What鈥檚 so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.