My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sounds about right. 😂🤣