I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”