280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Guys, I found it.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
*limbos under the caution tape
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Fights fire with marshmallows
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.