I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
(by @ZachWeiner )
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.