It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
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Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
the #horror is real!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Them: Just act casual
Me:
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’m awake but I object,
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.