What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“How’s your day going?”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential