God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
You Might Also Like
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
The news
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.