If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
You Might Also Like
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.