The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
There are usually two types of merchants.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!