Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
screw you
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Fights fire with marshmallows
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.