I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.