Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Pretty much. 🤣
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…