Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.