OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I didn’t come here to be called names
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Worst perfume name ever.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Quadruple digit IQ
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.